Seri sez: That’s unpossible! (No, seriously.)

August 20, 2009

Speculation has been running rampant through the community about the next expansion for the last week or two. I’m sure that we’ll find out for sure which rumors (if any) are true at Blizzcon this weekend, so I thought that rather than throw my two cents in about the alleged changes/features I’d give you something of even less value… a list of things I can pretty much guarantee you will NOT be in the next expansion.

1. Draenei removed from the game.

In the biggest “Oops, my bad.” in gaming history, the spunky space goats will be removed and their backstory—along with most of TBC—retconned. Players of Draenei characters will be given an equivalent level Blood Elf OR 30 days of free game time and an exclusive account-bound Mini Wretched Kael’thas pet.

2. New Dungeon: CoT Gnomeregan

The Infinite Dragonflight is up to more wacky hijinks, this time in Gnomeregan. Disguised as Gnomes, you and your party will join up with Mekengineer Thermaplugg, helping to ensure that the Big One does indeed go off and fighting against the invading horde of troggs… but not too effectively. After all, we know nothing is more heroic than facilitating a tragedy for the good of the space-time continuum.

3. Whirling Dervish Viper Blade

An Engineer-only main hand weapon that scales with the ilvl of the rest of your gear and has a really awesome spinny animation. You’ll never need another main hand weapon again! It slices, it dices, it also makes julienne fries…

4. New Class: Monk

Finally, someone who can make use of that Ironshod Bludgeon! Monks are the masters of martial combat, but they can only use two weapons… Staves and Unarmed. They are also limited to cloth armor, but can Feign Death once an hour. Special attack: Flying Monkey Leap! FML can be used at up to 50 yards and hits PvP opponents so hard they disconnect from the server.

5. Uncle Fester’s Fleshmending Salve

Forsaken everywhere have long lamented their knobby elbows and knees, but an enterprising alchemist has finally figured out how to re-grow their undead flesh! For the low low price of 1,000 gold, Forsaken characters can purchase a one-use tube that will, over the course of seven days, re-join biceps to flexors and hamstrings to calves, along with everything else in between. Side effects may include spontaneous gender change and/or erectile disfunction.

6. The Death Studio

Players have long been awaiting the Dance Studio Blizzard has mentioned, but what no one seems to have realized is that /dance customization opens the door for even more entertaining customizations. Don’t like your death animation and/or sound? Change it! Sample in custom sound files and mix/match movements from all playable and NPC races!

What about you, got any crackpot theories about what will absolutely NOT be in the expansion? 😉



  1. I’ve been keen on the Monk for ages, and blogged it too. Whats not to love?

    Master: “When you can grab the pebble from my hand, you will be ready…”

    Apprentice: “um what? the blood elves are doing circle kicks again..”

    Master: “ohhhh boy”


  2. That’s not the whole story about the Draenei. They’re replaced in the Alliance by a tribe of Northern Murlocs (with beards) who have strong links with the Night Elves after finding out that the Great Cosmic Oyster they worship is actually Elune.

  3. I was actually hoping for a Monk class. Now you’ve gone and wrecked that hope on the shores of whimsy.

    @Bob: LOL

  4. I was hoping Blizz would get on the ball and make more instance servers….

    Oh wait, haha… that’ll never happen.

  5. THE MONK THE MONK!! ITS IN D3!!!!!!!

    I will settle for a monk on Diablo any day (makes more sense there then in WoW anyways)

    Thought I would pollute your blog with some D3 🙂


  6. Hey I’m forsaken…the tube may cause Gender Change, or ED….Well if I become a girl isn’t that like a perma-ED problem?

    Well worth it to have my spine quit showing through my damn cloak.

  7. […] talk of the town. Rather than predict what might be announced at Blizzcon, Seri decided instead to predict what absolutely would not be announced at Blizzcon. Her predictions were 100% […]

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