Posts Tagged ‘snark’

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Seri sez: Dancing with wolves (or perhaps rabid badgers).

January 14, 2010

There’s something about the Looking For Dungeon Tool that makes me feel like I’m getting back to my roots. It’s kind of like going back in time to roam the prairie with my wild ancestors–complete with mountains of buffalo dung. It’s ancient. Primal. This is healing as I haven’t seen it in many many moons. I’m telling you, it has been a VERY long time since so many things have been “my fault”.

Yes, that’s right: My fault. Because, somehow, every failure on the part of a random instance group is the healer’s fault. The tank dies… healer’s fault. The DPS die… healer’s fault. A tree falls in China… healer’s fault. Don’t get me wrong; there are shitty healers out there. Gods bless them, they provide countless hours of entertainment for me and Jov. But there are a lot of things that can go wrong in a pug that are NOT the healers fault. Perhaps:

  • A shitty tank.
  • An undergeared tank.
  • An undergeared shitty tank.
  • Overzealous dps.
  • People standing in shit.
  • Pulling when the healer is drinking or low on mana.
  • Pulling when the healer is afk.

Let me give you a tip: If you’re struggling through an instance and you’ve been through more than one healer… you’re not just having a string of bad luck. Someone in your party is a moron. Maybe several someones. Maybe… maybe it’s you.

Haha! Yeah, not likely. You’re reading World of Snarkcraft, which puts you ahead of most of the slack-jawed mutants in LFG. Therefore, my enlightened brethren, remain alert for signs of healer abuse and vigilant in the preservation of healers’ sanity. After all, it’s only a matter of time before they burn out and roll a pure dps class. Make it your goal to stave off the inevitable while you can.

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Seri sez: Varian Wrynn is a Douchebag.

September 24, 2009

A legend in his own mind.

Ah, progression nights. There’s nothing quite like new content to invigorate a raid team, is there? That’s what 99% of our applicants say they raid for… to see new content. It’s exciting to step into a new instance, wide-eyed and quivering with anticipation. What will the first boss pull bring? Death. Yes, the first boss usually brings lots of death, but that’s OK. We’re professionals, and what happens in the instance stays in the instance. Right? We pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off, we try again. Except, this time we’re not crawling through the sewers of Black Temple, ruthlessly slaughtering all the potential witnesses to our folly along with the boss in question… we’re in a farking arena. There are spectators, for crying out loud. Not to mention that douchebag, Varian Wrynn.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m familiar with the lore. I know he’s got a few bones to pick with the orcs over that whole “razing Stormwind” thing and the “enslaved gladiator” thing (you’d think he might have a small aversion to arenas after that, but oh no..), not to mention the “Wrathgate incident” and the slight misunderstanding as to the Horde’s involvement. He hates us, I get that.

We’re used to bosses taunting us with pithy comments as they grind us into paste, but the derisive comments from the bleachers are new. “Is this the best the Horde has to offer?” he asks, with a snort and a toss of his hair, as we’re dying in fires and being beaten about the head and shoulders by filthy little snow rats. “Worthless scrub,” he taunts, with a sneer, from his lofty perch.

Come down here and say that to my face, you self-righteous windbag!

At least when bosses taunt us we get the satisfaction (eventually) of killing them. I engaged in some speculation this weekend with a guildie or two about whether or not the taunts from the bleachers made progression nights more stressful. You know… I think they really do. It gets on your nerves after a while; I can’t decide if this is great design on Blizzard’s part or a really crappy idea.

One thing’s for sure: I’d love to be able to have a helpful DK Death Grip that mofo down and start a diplomatic incident. Alas, Jaina would probably just freeze us all and spirit him away again. Lucky for us, she’s not by his side 24×7. Weekly trips to Stormwind to blow off steam after Heroic ToC are starting to sound more and more appealing.

Just desserts.

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Jov sez: My guild has too many healers omg

August 11, 2009

Okay, so my guild only occasionally has too many healers…  Like when you’re trying to run that new 5-man.

I mean, it’s only been out a week, and I’ve only run it a couple-dozen times on normal, and a couple times on heroic.

And I only have TWO healing main-specced characters.

And it’s supposed to be really challenging to heal.

I wouldn’t know, though.  Shammy?  We needs you to lawl-dps.  Priest?  Go shadow, prz.

Well, at least I’m not the only one…

ToC-shadows(And no, before anyone asks…  I’m not annoyed, I’m not really complaining.  I’m more amused than anything, as it always seems to go this way.  Back when Wrath first released, before the advent of dual-specs, Jov was lawl-holy-dps’ing her way through most of the instances out there.  Seems when the content is new, it’s what always seems to happen.)

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Seri sez: Sweeping generalizations are bad. (Except this one, m’kay?)

July 30, 2009

It really twists my knickers when I hear people make sweeping statements about raid guilds and the people that comprise them. I recently had a discussion with Mr. Seri about some comments made by a friend of a friend on a forum we used to participate in about how their guild just couldn’t raid seriously because serious raid guilds are full of teenagers that devote 7-8 hours a day outside of raids farming consumables and doing raid prep. You know what I have to say to that?

Pbbbbbth. (Eloquent, I know.)

I’m pretty sure I made that exact sound when Mr. Seri told me about it, because he was like, “I know, right?” and proceeded to tell me about how he mentioned it to someone that knows this person and was told “Well, that’s what her old raid guild was like and that’s the only raid guild she’s ever had any experience with.”

Congratulations, random person that I don’t quite know… you win the WoS Dumbass Award™ for today.[1]

I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir here, but since it’s my soapbox I’m damn well going to stand on it.

Without delving into another snowflake analogy (really, you’d be surprised just how many search engine hits we get with “snowflake” as a search term), I’ll just say that no two guilds are alike. Sure, they may share some characteristics here and there, but saying that “serious raid guilds” are full of teenagers is like saying that your refrigerator is just for vegetables. (Assuming you’re not a vegetarian, in which case your refrigerator IS probably just for vegetables… ok, bad analogy.)

Different guilds do things differently, and have different demographics. What’s more, the way that raiders function in the world of WotLK raiding is considerably different from how it used to be in years past. Farming consumables back in the Molten Core era, for example, was indeed a time-consuming activity. Blizzard has made it easier over the years, taking out some of the stuff we used to have to do (Blasted Lands buff food comes to mind, not to mention alchemy labs being required for flask crafting and located in extremely remote locations and requiring retarded amounts of herbs.)

I’m sure that somewhere out there (…beneath the paaaaale moonlight…), there is a raid guild full of teenagers with way too much time on their hands. However, it’s extremely narrow-minded to paint all raid guilds with the same brush based on a single experience. The fact that there is so much variety out there is something we would all do well to remember, and if the environment you find yourself in isn’t one where you’re having fun… look for it somewhere else. Want to raid once a week? Twice? Five nights? Three, but only between the hours of 6-10am during odd numbered months? I really do believe that there is a guild out there for everything. I wouldn’t  be surprised if there was a guild full of snorkeling enthusiasts that raid in flippers.

Okay, maybe a little surprised. But I digress.

Sweeping generalizations are bad, m’kay? Don’t do it. Stupidity angers the murloc.

*MRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLEEEEE*

[1] The WoS Dumbass Award™ is not an actual award and entitles the bearer to nothing more than mocking applause and exasperated eye-rolling.

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Seri sez: Mount changes coming!

June 11, 2009

A horse. (You were expecting something witty?)The news is spreading like wildfire through the WoW community: The level requirements for mounts are changing again. In the “next major content patch”, according to CM Zarhym, not only will the basic land riding level requirement be lowered to 20 (from 30), the “epic” land riding skill will be lowered to 40 (from 60). Basic flight? 60 (from 70, or 68 for Druids).

This, in and of itself, is pretty mind-boggling. But wait, there’s more! The cost of riding training and mounts are also changing! How much can you expect to pay for entry level riding and a mount on your level 20 alt?

Are you sitting down?

5g.

Yes, that’s right… 4g for training and 1g for the mount. Journeyman riding (aka “epic” riding) at level 40 will cost 50g and 10g for a mount.

Yes, that’s right… you will soon be able to buy “epic” riding for less than the cost of the original riding skill in vanilla WoW.

What was that sound? Oh, don’t mind that… it’s just a collective groan from millions of players that worked their asses off to grind out 80g for their riding training by level 40… and that wouldn’t even get you a mount! I don’t even want to think about the countless hours I spent cobbling together funds for “epic” riding on multiple characters. 500g was a lot of cash back when you had to compete with CGFs for every resource node or profitable-to-farm mob in the game. But we did it. Why? Because the level 40 mounts were slow as hell, that’s why. At least the next generation still has to put up with Gimpy the one-hoof-in-the-glue-factory pony for 20 levels too. Granted, those 20 levels will go a lot faster with the experience changes implemented to expedite leveling. (Argh!)

Don’t get me wrong… I think making riding more accessible is probably the right thing for Blizzard to do. They have to make leveling easier for folks, but I can’t help but reminisce about the good old days when men were men and sheep were scared. Honestly, these new kids don’t know how good they’ve got it. Back when I was a noob (yes, I was a noob at one point), you had to slog through crocodile-infested swamps picking herbs (or <insert your gathering skill here>) until your fingers bled, then haul them back to town (on foot, uphill both ways) to sell for a measly pittance on the Auction House. Heck, I’m not even sure if we had flight points back then.

Man, those were the days.

But I digress. The winds of change are blowing and we’re all standing downwind.

Speaking of drafts… flight training. I mentioned the level reduction, right? There’s more. Although the cost is remaining the same, they are making flight trainers available in Hellfire Peninsula rather than (or in addition to) Shadowmoon Valley. (I can’t imagine why, the thought of level 60 characters riding out to SMV to pick up their flight training is rather entertaining.) This means that players will be able to reduce their flight training costs through reputation! Of course, a brand new 60 stepping through the Dark Portal isn’t going to have a lot of rep with Honor Hold/Thrallmar, but by the time they get ready to train “epic” flight (which is still 5000g, btw) they probably will.

Entry level flight speed is also changing from 60% to 100%, which I think is a shame. Really, everyone should have the experience of riding a flappy something or other across Hellfire Peninsula at a ponderous blimp-like pace. I still remember buying epic flight on my farming character before a character I actually played regularly just to make farming a little less likely to grind my teeth into dust. I guess it’s a good thing I’m not a game designer. Of course, if I had been I probably wouldn’t have made it so tedious to begin with… as it is, I’m only stricken now with the urge to inflict past suffering on others. It’s only fair.

But I’m not bitter or anything.

What do you think about the upcoming changes?

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Seri sez: This ain’t your momma’s raid guild.

April 30, 2009

Tweet tweet!

As a guild officer, I wear a lot of hats. Friend, confidante, authority figure, taskmistress, disciplinarian, mentor, keeper of the spreadsheets… I am all of these things at some time or another, but there is one thing I am not nor will I ever be: Your mom.

That’s right, this ain’t your momma’s raid guild. Although I may nurture you and feed you shiny epics with the care and devotion of a red-breasted robin regurgitating worms for her young, there’s no baby seat in the sidecar of my Mecha-hog. If you want to ride this ride, there are a few simple rules (not dissimilar to your mom’s) that will stay my finger poised over the “eject” button. Violate them and, well, I hope you’re wearing a helmet.

Rule #1: Don’t lie to me.

Much like your mom, I have eyes in the back of my head and a built-in bullshit detector. Even if you slip it past me, I’ll eventually find out and you won’t like the consequences. I’m much more creative than she ever was, and I own power tools.

Rule #2: Wake your own ass up.

See that little box with the buttons and dials beside your bed? That’s an alarm clock. If you’re going to curl up with your binkey before a raid, you should probably set the alarm because I’m not going to give you a courtesy call ten minutes before raid start. Does this look like the Hilton?

Rule #3: It’s for your own good.

You may not agree with every decision I make, but I promise I’m not out to get you.

Rule #4: Don’t be an O-slut.

Don’t like my answer? Deal with it, or talk to my boss. Don’t go hopping from one officer to another until you get the answer you want.

Rule #5: Don’t get fresh with me, young (wo)man.

You may see yourself as the soul of wit but if you sass me enough I’ll eventually go looking for a switch… and it just may be that all I have lying around is this old Twig of the World Tree.

Rule #6: Do your homework.

Between raids, I make rosters, discuss strategies, recruit, read applications, interview applicants, manage the guild bank, write/amend policies, wrangle drama llamas, conduct performance reviews, farm my own consumables and program my grandmother’s DVR. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to read a *(#)*!@! boss fight write-up.

Rule #7: Knock it off or I’ll put you out right here.

They're good for you!

Mid-raid is not a good time to distract me with things that aren’t of immediate importance. What’s more, it’s really not a good time to offer snarky/sarcastic criticism either publicly or privately about any member of the raid team. I’m not afraid to pull this raid over and leave you at the instance portal, so if you don’t have something constructive to say keep it to yourself until we reach our destination.

Rule #8: Eat your vegetables.

They’re good for you.

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Seri sez: Er, what? – 10 Lame Excuses for Dying in a Void Zone.

March 12, 2009

fissureThe “void zone” mechanic is rampant in Wrath, though every encounter seems to call it something different. Whether it is an inky black circle or a vibrant blue/red column, they all share common properties:

a) You have to move out of them as quickly as possible because…
b) …they will kill you.

Unfortunately, situational awareness is not everyone’s cup of tea and even the most attentive player has the occasional lapse or mishap. However, we here at the Snarkcraft HQ have heard some pretty lame excuses for dying in void zones in the last few months. Here’s a peek at our top ten:

10. What void zone?

Void zones are sneaky, but they’re not that sneaky. Your reaction time might not have been top notch, but the only way you could NOT see it is if you weren’t paying attention. Shame on you.

9. Child in lap.

Ah, offspring. There is a reason why I don’t have children, and this is one of them. My children would be hog-tied, gagged and locked in a closet during raid time (ok, honestly, pretty much all the time). For the rest of you… we know you love your kids, but hectic don’t-stand-in-that fights are not good times for a parental snuggle.

8. Drinking bird can only tap one key at a time.

Shaman, I’m looking at you.

7. Pet interference.

Unless your pet is spewing some sort of bodily fluid on your person, being distracted by Fido is no reason to die in a void zone. It’s not a long fight, you can feed/pet/scold/laugh at him afterward.ninja!

6. Ninja-AFKness.

A “Ninja-AFK” means sneakily going AFK without telling anyone. However, if your spontaneous need to AFK involves actual ninjas this moves from the “lame” list to the “awesome” list.

5. SO aggro.

Not everyone’s Significant Other is understanding about raiding boundaries, but unless they are chucking plates at your head or otherwise intending bodily harm (aka “vagina bear(er) mauling”) you should really be able to deflect them with a quick ‘yes dear’ and follow up during loot distribution.

4. Tabbed out by anti-virus application.

Helpful tip: Turn off your AV scanner before the raid, especially if it DOES THIS ALL THE DAMN TIME.

3. Busy yelling at other people for dying in void zones.

Et tu, Brute?

2. Lag.

“Lag” is the #1 cause of void zone deaths, but only in a small fraction of instances does “I lagged” mean “I experienced a latency spike.” The rest of the time, it means “I didn’t move quickly enough.”

1. Pulled plug.

We all have frustrating nights, but if you got pissed off and facilitated an “internet outage” mid-raid you are SO off my raid team.

With that said… what lame excuses have YOU heard lately?

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