Seri sez: That’s unpossible! (No, seriously.)August 20, 2009
Speculation has been running rampant through the community about the next expansion for the last week or two. I’m sure that we’ll find out for sure which rumors (if any) are true at Blizzcon this weekend, so I thought that rather than throw my two cents in about the alleged changes/features I’d give you something of even less value… a list of things I can pretty much guarantee you will NOT be in the next expansion.
1. Draenei removed from the game.
In the biggest “Oops, my bad.” in gaming history, the spunky space goats will be removed and their backstory—along with most of TBC—retconned. Players of Draenei characters will be given an equivalent level Blood Elf OR 30 days of free game time and an exclusive account-bound Mini Wretched Kael’thas pet.
2. New Dungeon: CoT Gnomeregan
The Infinite Dragonflight is up to more wacky hijinks, this time in Gnomeregan. Disguised as Gnomes, you and your party will join up with Mekengineer Thermaplugg, helping to ensure that the Big One does indeed go off and fighting against the invading horde of troggs… but not too effectively. After all, we know nothing is more heroic than facilitating a tragedy for the good of the space-time continuum.
3. Whirling Dervish Viper Blade
An Engineer-only main hand weapon that scales with the ilvl of the rest of your gear and has a really awesome spinny animation. You’ll never need another main hand weapon again! It slices, it dices, it also makes julienne fries…
4. New Class: Monk
Finally, someone who can make use of that Ironshod Bludgeon! Monks are the masters of martial combat, but they can only use two weapons… Staves and Unarmed. They are also limited to cloth armor, but can Feign Death once an hour. Special attack: Flying Monkey Leap! FML can be used at up to 50 yards and hits PvP opponents so hard they disconnect from the server.
5. Uncle Fester’s Fleshmending Salve
Forsaken everywhere have long lamented their knobby elbows and knees, but an enterprising alchemist has finally figured out how to re-grow their undead flesh! For the low low price of 1,000 gold, Forsaken characters can purchase a one-use tube that will, over the course of seven days, re-join biceps to flexors and hamstrings to calves, along with everything else in between. Side effects may include spontaneous gender change and/or erectile disfunction.
6. The Death Studio
Players have long been awaiting the Dance Studio Blizzard has mentioned, but what no one seems to have realized is that /dance customization opens the door for even more entertaining customizations. Don’t like your death animation and/or sound? Change it! Sample in custom sound files and mix/match movements from all playable and NPC races!
What about you, got any crackpot theories about what will absolutely NOT be in the expansion?